I teach part-time in an Alternative Provision setting – all of these things have happened, just not all in the same day. I have blurred details on purpose.

It’s been one of those mornings. I’m a bit tired. Had that dream again about losing kids on a school trip. I’m wearing navy tights with a black dress – oops. My lanyard was eventually tracked down to the dog’s toy box.

8.55. ‘Miss, is this your phone? You really shouldn’t leave it lying around.’

I explain that I’ve been in a bit of a rush. He says, ‘We’ve talked about this before, Miss – slow down!’ Then he describes his meticulous morning routine, which includes exercise and carefully-chosen proteins. I’ve been out-adulted by a 15-year-old.

He’s not been with us for long. His files from his other schools make eye-watering reading. He’s been ‘written off’ my more than one school and I sympathise with his former teachers, whilst wondering how on earth it went so wrong, so quickly.

‘You know what, Miss? I think I can actually get a Grade 6. I got 33 marks in that last paper. What’s another word for ‘confused’? Can you mark this bit, please?’

When I first taught him, he stared into space for three consecutive lessons, refusing to engage with any of my lovingly-constructed ‘what I wish my teacher knew’ sessions, which are usually a dead cert. ‘Your earliest memory?’ ‘Dunno.’ ‘What scares you?’ ‘Nuffing.’ ‘Something that makes you laugh…?’ ‘Huh?’

9.32. ‘Miss. I’ve told you. I don’t speak Shakespeare.’

9.37. ‘Miss, man. Juliet was thirteen?! Three days, Miss? That’s just WRONG.’ [Vomiting noises.]

The SLT member on-call drops by. ‘Hand it over, please.’ The student realises the contraband jewellery didn’t escape notice. She’s huffy, but the SLT member manages to make her laugh as she hands it over. The school dog diffuses the remaining tension.

It’s breaktime. I missed out my the 10.27 wee-window and I’m working out when I can dip out for the toilet. Another Arsenal vs Spurs debate over waffles. A ‘what you looking at?’ scuffle, diffused within what feels like seconds – adrenaline levels return to something near normal.

12.43. ‘I don’t know how to revise! I can’t do it! I’m sh*t at this.’

12.46. We’ve come up with 8 acceptable synonyms for ‘sh*t’ together’

1.12. Lunch. Another conversation about dogs. A debate about broccoli. Some students go to help with the gardening. Another goes for the drum and bass session. I manage that wee whilst a colleague covers for my duty.

1.28. Someone’s left cake in the staffroom. It’s gone by 1.37.

2.21. Someone’s drawn a penis on the wall.

2.38. There’s a new photo on the wall of students at their achievement evening.

3.13. Locker-time. Nike Airforce Ones are reunited with their owners.

3.45. INSET. Really? My brain’s stopped working.

4.08. We’re talking about our students, what the research tells us, what we know about them, and what makes them tick. My colleagues make me laugh. They inspire me. They make me want to be better.

4.25. Car park empties fast. I’m shattered. I’m proud. Bring on tomorrow.